he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
