when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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