I faked an abortion last night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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