Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
