you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
