I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
