people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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