hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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