Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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