A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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