...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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