i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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