someone get that fucking seahorse.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
