How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
