just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
