Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
