I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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