Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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