True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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