You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
