she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
