I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
