my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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