I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
