Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
