I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
