Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
