He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
