my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Porn is love you can see.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
