yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
