Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm always down for nudity.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
