the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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