I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
