I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
