ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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