why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
