life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
