this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
what day is it and did you see me today?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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