i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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