im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
