Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize