So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What a dumb baby whore.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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