she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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