My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
