Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize