saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
