god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
