you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
