the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
