Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
