Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
