your room smells of hookers.
And success
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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