Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
