i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
