So many bounce houses so little time
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
