Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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