He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
