I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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